Men and Boys
Discussions are taking place more openly about the female experience of life and men are genuinely curious about how they can help support and lift women up. Though intentions are often earnest, a large part of this discussion has evolved into something that is terribly missing the mark. I am deeply challenged by much of what I am seeing on social media and in mainstream popular culture, specifically the punitive demands being made of men. I genuinely believe the intention is that of empowerment and education and is intended to be coming from a place of sincerity, and yet the underlying narrative is saturated in shame, guilt, and a heartbreaking belief in the inherent brokenness of men.
No one alive is exempt from the human condition and experience. The biggest injustice we can do to another human is to refuse to create space for inquiry into the role that trauma has played in their lives and how it has affected their actions. The widespread over simplification and making wrong of masculinity by women is deeply disturbing on various levels. Thinking about the world in a victim and perpetrator model feeds a never ending cycle of fear, separation, and powerlessness, making it one of the most dangerous belief structures imaginable.
I grew up with a powerful yet gentle father, my brother as my best friend, and a multitude of male cousins, school mates, and trusted friends who taught me what it means to be a confident and compassionate man. I’ve unravelled a lot about the true nature of masculinity over the course of my life and my 16 year marriage. One of the biggest gifts I’ve ever received is seeing behind the curtain of the complexity of the male emotional matrix and being given access to the dreams, desires, and fears of the men closest to me in my life.
Contrary to popular belief, little boys are born just as, if not more, sensitive than little girls and instead of being revered for their incredible emotional complexity we systematically stomp it out of them by the time they reach adolescence, out of fear that they will grow up too weak to sustain the hardships of life. We make the exploration of their bodies wrong and shameful and when the seeds of guilt planted in early childhood inevitably blossom into anger in adolescence, we punish them and make them wrong for that too.
Women - imagine being stripped of our networks of emotional support and the many intricate forums of acceptance and camaraderie we have maintained throughout the history of our existence. That is the reality for most men. Let us have the bravery to embrace and nurture men and boys as emotionally complex beings and celebrate their masculinity as a beautiful mystery to be slowly unpacked and understood over the course of our lives. Let’s encourage them to own and express their emotions, to inquire about the places they lead them to and to have the courage to heal what they find when they arrive there.
Rather than asking men to quiet down and move aside let’s challenge ourselves to share our perspectives with strength and take risks.
Rather than asking men to include women, let's create amazing things and include men.
Rather than blaming men for making us feel a certain way, let’s get curious about our feelings and build the supportive communities we need to explore the painful experiences that lay behind them… (and trust and encourage men to cultivate their own.)
Rather than labeling and name calling, let’s become expert listeners and extend to men the same level of understanding that we give our female counterparts and crave to receive ourselves.
Rather than asking each other to check our privilege, lets implore radical gratitude for who and what we are and burgeon change from a place of unconditional love, acceptance and worthiness.
Shame is being used as a weapon to intentionally cripple men and the implications continue to weave a devastating pattern in our society. This is a dangerous and deplorable dynamic that does nothing more than to shut down inquiry and contribute to the illusion of separation. The definition of shame is to be wrong not for what one has done but for ones very being-ness. Healing rarely comes from ruminating in shame and the projection of shame onto others continues to have devastating affects on our collective moral fabric.
It is valuable to note that men have been relieved of their tribal support systems and are often made wrong for having too much or not enough emotional depth. Many of the formal rights of passage that traditionally ushered boys into manhood have been lost or abolished leaving them lost and displaced, yet when they endeavour to fully explore their masculinity they are accused of being toxic, ignorant, and hurtful to women.
My dream for the world I live in is strong connected relationships, families, and communities. Tribes where no one is excommunicated or left behind and everyone’s innate natural gifts are valued for what they are. I don’t believe this is possible without celebrating and inviting the magic and mystery of men by raising strong masculine heart centred little boys, normalizing the complexity of male passion and desire, and venerating the unique and complex emotional inner world of those among us in possession of the Y chromosome.