A Journey: Following Your Heart and Finding Yourself
(A story of ownership, insight, and transformation by Natasha Newstead)
Ever wonder why you feel small? Fear is the culprit (catalyst) that takes over our belief system and stops us from becoming our greatest self. Now to decompose the fear and find a deeper connection with my introverted empath self through self love and acceptance.
As a single mom of two kids with a career as a primary teacher, my days are busy and stressful. I often find myself driving home from work not even remembering the drive! Life seems to be on auto pilot no matter how much I try to be mindful or make time for myself and being an empath often leaves me depleted having no energy to connect with my true self and deepest desires. Deep down I had a sense that I wasn’t living to my full potential but I didn’t know what was holding me back.
I was always there for others making sure I could help them. It’s funny how I could go to great depths to make sure others were following their dreams or being their best selves but I could never take the time to help myself accomplish that. Instead I made myself small by living in fear. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a good life and have worked hard to get where I am today and I am proud of myself for what I have accomplished in my life so far but, if I’m really being honest with myself, I know there is something deeper that I needed to explore.
I needed to change my mindset around fear by breaking down those walls that exist and open the door to curiosity, trust and courage. This 2020 pandemic, as crazy as it has been, has given me the opportunity to sit back and reflect more about my life. I started asking myself hard questions such as; are you truly happy ? What do you need to truly accept and love yourself? What is holding you back? Every answer seemed to be surrounded by fear.
Most people would say that I seem happy and on the surface I am. I have lots to be happy and thankful for. I also had many things happen in my life that have influenced me negatively causing me to step back from being my true authentic self. These life lessons changed how I saw myself, changed how I presented myself and ultimately changed my perception on life. It’s funny how the negative can over-ride the positives if you let it. I let it and for years I buried that pain, the hurt and the fear so deep into my core that it numbed me. I have been numb for so long that it just became a part of me. I poured all my time and energy into being there for others that I abandoned myself.
Living in fear has limited my life experiences and caused me to put my feelings and emotions in a box. I don’t think I’ve been able to truly feel because not feeling seemed safer than opening up to the potential of getting hurt. So I hid, making myself small is what I did best. I put up walls with everyone; my parents, my own kids, friends and loved ones and for what? Fear...I thought I was protecting myself when all it really did was hinder me from having the most amazing connections. As humans we are wired for connection and after all these years I’ve finally realized that I’ve been longing for those deep emotional connections, to be able to truly and whole heartily feel again.
So now it’s time for me to heal the negative energy that has embodied my soul. So the question is, how does one heal? It’s starts with me, digging deep and doing the work. That means that each day I spend time reflecting on my fears and opening up space for whatever may come; emotions, questions, awareness and eventually clarity. An opportunity came recently and I knew right away I needed to sign up for Katie’s meditation and personal growth challenge. I just felt this nudge to dig deeper into myself.
For too long I put myself second and used every excuse to not open my own heart to myself. I needed to work on loving myself more and realizing that I am worthy of greatness. Before Katie’s course I spent all my time making sure everyone around me was happy, I felt like I was on auto pilot and I just didn’t believe I was worthy of abundance in my life! Due to my lack of confidence and self love I was unable to truly let others love me and accept me. I didn’t trust others and always had my walls up in fear because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone!
Katie’s coaching was gentle and encouraging but also pushed me out of my comfort zone. I was not used to having to dig deep and answer questions about my self mostly because I was afraid of what I would find. The more I really sank into reflecting on myself and who I am the more I started to appreciate me for me. The meditations were an essential part of my journey to self care. They offered moments of guided practice that helped me explore what I want in life and the courage to believe that worthiness surrounds me.
My outlook on life has been uplifted and I now see things in a different calm light that has set the tone to a future of abundance.
Katie, thank you so much for your generous wisdom and your gentle ways of guiding me into doing the work and digging deeper!
