Why We Can Not Bear to Be Alone

I will vibrate with joy the first dance I share with another human being, I will melt into a puddle in the embrace of the first strong hug I get from my best friend, I will resonate with ecstasy the next airplane I board, and I will weep uncontrollably when I see my mother again face to face. I know these things to be true because I feel them in my body, yet none of these sublime pleasures would I categorize as needs - they are firmly and undeniably wants. Wants that make my life meaningful and worth living, but by no means needs. It is in the blurring of the line between the dichotomy of wants and needs that suffering arises, and why, I believe, so many are suffering in isolation at the moment.

Humans are creatures of attachment. As babies, we need maternal proximity to survive. Then as children, our exacerbated egos need an adult’s firm rule to stay alive. But, as we individuate and become adults we need to become our own saviours or we risk never truly thriving. This is why rites of passage existed in ancient cultures and why the shift into adulthood is not just marked by the passing of years but more importantly, the passing of the baton of personal ownership and accountability for one’s own experience (and enjoyment) of life.

My childhood was dramatically punctuated by the sudden death of a parent. If not for the pervasive love of my mother I would not have survived the heartbreak of the loss of every little girl’s first true love - their father. There were moments, months, years, where I succumbed so deeply to victimhood that transitioning from a betrayed child into a thriving adult seemed like an impossible fairytale. I consider my survival of this profound loss one of the greatest challenges and achievements of my life. It was only through the experience of losing the most beloved person in my universe that I learned to give myself the love I needed and, in doing so, truly be ok with being alone. 

Life without companionship is not the goal, nor is it even the point. It is rather sustaining the discomfort of being alone that affords us the perspective needed to appreciate the richness of being together. The reason being alone is so lonely for so many is because it interrupts the mechanisms we have been reliant upon to reflect back our own value, worth, and in some cases, entire existence. When others are removed from our equation and their reflection is retracted, we are left only with our own thoughts, opinions, and ego beliefs to construct our identity. And if we have not been actively nurturing and building a strong sense of self-worth and value to fall back on, the absence of those who believe in us and build us up can result in a devastating blow.   

We do not need to learn to be alone so that we can create a companion free existence, but rather so that we can be better at being together. So that we can recognize our irrational demands and human needs as our own problem and not someone else’s burden. We are a work in progress and the only person responsible and accountable to that process is ourselves. It doesn’t sound sexy but it is. 

It is only through sustaining aloneness that we can truly take in the beauty of togetherness. There is a calibration period in which we must mourn the reality we had and come to accept the one we currently inhabit. I crave human connections with those who love and understand me not because I need them to survive, but rather because they serve to make my life beautiful in their presence.

This time is a gift. Your discomfort is a gift. You, my friend, are a gift and you have been given this time to slowly unwrap and appreciate yourself… of this I am certain.