The Self Love Lie
Have you ever tried to convince yourself of something you fundamentally did not believe to be true? And how did that work out for you? It almost never works, no I take that back - it has never worked ever in the entire history of things working and not working.
There is actually a scientific explanation for this: Your subconscious mind is smarter than you and it dictates your thoughts, which then form your beliefs, which in turn results in your actions. This is why when we decide we are going to love ourselves up but we don’t change any of our thoughts or beliefs, no action can occur and not a thing changes. The love just bounces right off of us and does not get absorbed or anything. It’s actually kind of a super depressing waste of time.
I know because I tried it out for about 3 frustrating, consecutive years. I was immersed in an all-encompassing personal growth agenda with the goal of healing my early childhood trauma and achieving the fulfillment and confidence that had been alluding me much of my adult life. Self-love and acceptance were unanimously prescribed as the antidote so I began a daily curriculum of loving myself up: affirmations, journaling, positive ‘I am’ statements, psych-k, tarot cards, guided meditation, workshops, holotropic breathwork - I was game for all of it, and all of it was incredible. But I still wasn’t fulfilled and I still didn’t feel very confident. W. T. F.
Then I found the early work of Jordan Peterson and I realized there was a hidden curriculum to the self-love and self-acceptance MBA that I had been missing. One that examined without prejudice or emotion the hard facts that I knew to be true but was trying to curtail with my cosmic ninny-dom of potions, spells, and good intentions. Somewhere along the line, I had made rational thought my enemy. I had given myself up so entirely to the pursuit of spiritual enlightenment and emotional comfort that I had neglected the simple laws of nature.
If I was to cut the shit here is what I really wanted but was too embarrassed to come out and say it:
I wanted to be fit, attractive, and feel amazing in my skin but rather than exercising and eating healthy I was repeating mantras, losing myself in hamster wheels of ideology, eating too much, and sleeping in late.
I wanted an amazing connected relationship with my husband but rather than having challenging conversations and communicating with him honestly I was going to group therapy and trying to work it out on my own.
I wanted to earn an excellent income as an entrepreneur doing what I loved but instead, I was dragging myself to a job I hated, playing small, feeling sorry for myself, and making everyone’s lives I worked with miserable.
Self-love on its own is not going to move any of these dials. Is it the underlying operating system needed to initiate change? Yes it is, because we need to believe we are worthy of change before we can action that belief… but will it shove you into the discomfort necessary to achieve that change on its own? No it will not. We need discomfort, shame, depression, suffering, and anxiety to tell us to get off our asses and take action. These are actually the signs and wake-up calls we have been asking and waiting for yet when we apply a salve of self-love and self-acceptance alone, we are simply prolonging our misery and delaying our own evolution.
Jocko Willink talks about extreme ownership and discipline as a means to freedom. Even as I write that, every cell in my body is nodding unanimously because we already know it is the answer. I used self-love and self-acceptance as a Petri dish for laziness, self-pity, and victimhood to propagate. The difficult things in life are difficult for a reason - because they must be earned. When you don’t come by the difficult things honestly in this life your mind knows and it won’t respect you for it or let you reap the rewards. Happiness without meaning is vacuous. Toil without purpose is spirit-crushing. Tragedy without perspective is debilitating. The list goes on…
Let this not be a frivolous roast of self-love and self-acceptance, they deserve much better. If accountability, ownership, and discipline are the currents that jolt us out of the starting gate of meaningful change, it is only through sustained self-love and self-acceptance that we ascertain the proof of our worthiness in staying the course to greatness. That said…
Beware of a society that tells you you are perfect the way you are. Beware of friends who would rather have surface conversations than hold you accountable to your goals. Beware of a free lunch or any thing else that seems too good or too easy to be true. Let self-love look like being dreadfully honest with yourself and those you care for and let that honesty cut the path and guide the way to the brave new world and great new heights you deserve.